Monday, March 19, 2012

Rollercoaster

Although I have had some mental shifts with regard to keeping Fozzie, something in me is not able to fully embrace that thought. 

When I have band practice, I sometimes wish my dogs were peaceful little things that could just calmly hang out on their dog beds. 


I can't believe sometimes that Fozzie is 3 years old, has been with me for 2 of those years, and he still exhibits this behavior. Its a big part of the reason it took me so long to emotionally decide that I'm probably keeping him, and its the reason there's still that "probably"--the reason I sometimes think that if I met someone, not off the internet and not just anyone, but met really the ideal person, I would let him go to that home. 

Sometimes I just want a life where I can have guests over without a dog attached to my waist, without worrying about the gate being firmly and completely latched every time someone comes in to prevent a mad chase after every feral cat that has ever left a trace of scent on my street, without having to keep one eye and the corner of my mind always on Fozzie, even when I'm in the middle of singing a song for god's sake. 

But then I look into his eyes and I do a great big flip-flop.


What I do love about Fozzie is that he's the most sensitive dog in the world, which means that when I have these thoughts, which I already feel terrible about, he knows. He picks up somehow that I am having an intense thought, and that it's about him, and he starts to look worried, and he comes over and buries his head in the couch. Or curls up in a tiny ball against me with his head on my lap. 

And then I love him. I love having this big brindled nonhuman person who lives with me and listens and cares. I love having this big scary-looking muscular brute who is really just a big sensitive New Age dog. So here I am, right where I've been for two years--I love Fozzie, even as he drives me crazy. 

But you knew that already. Thanks for your continued indulgence. Please don't stop reading my blog and I promise I'll occasionally write about something other than my tortured ambiguity about Fozzie. 

How about a nice post on ear infections?

18 comments:

  1. Kirsten, I feel the exact same way about Delilah, except for the fact that I am not fostering her.

    There are many times I wish our life would be me, Hubby and Sampson so we could do all those things we used to enjoy when it was just the three of us.

    Where I could set food out for a party and not have to constantly have my eye on the table to make sure she doesn't help herself.

    And I wonder after almost five full years with this dog, why she "doesn't get it."

    Then she snuggles up next to me in bed or sighs when I rub her ears and it melts my heart.

    Don't get me wrong, I really do love her, just sometimes like you, I wish it were different.

    So from one who understands I say, hang in there, they came into our lives for a reason.

    xoxo

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    1. I thought of you when I wrote this post Jodi! We need to keep each other on track with our "problem children"--it really helps not to feel so alone :)

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  2. Fozzie is so lucky to have found you. We love reading about him and your band. Keep posting!

    Nina, Myshka, Sasha, Betsy, Lucy, Phoebe and Lily

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    1. Thanks so much you guys. Posting is what keeps me sane, and there is no shortage of things to write about with these dogs!

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  3. Awww Kirsten - sometimes I think that my mom and dad would have had it easier if there were either fewer of us or maybe even none of us. It takes alot as you and Florian are well aware. And my mom and dad said that because I'm "special", I get even more special care. And because there's a bunch of us, it's much, much harder for our humans to do things like take vacations or spend money. But I know that my mom and dad love us to bits, even if we make them a little "nuts" because they tell us so every night before we go to bed. We're a family, for better or worse, and we have each other. Forever. And that's why you and Florian and Fozzie need to stay together. Okay? Now go have a cup of tea :)

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    1. You guys are so supportive :) Sometimes that's exactly what I need--someone to just say "this is how it is, now relax and enjoy it!"

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  4. Hi Kirsten, "topcat" is my dad.

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  5. I have my own dogs - 6 of then - and the rescues a few of which will find homes but most will live their lives here. And yes, some-days I would love to have a "normal" house but then I see their eyes, they follow me like ducklings and I know I can't go back to "normal." Fozzie is home - he knows it even if you still debate. And yes, some of my personal dogs would go to THE right home if they came along....

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  6. Awwwe! Fozzie knows you love him!! You are his rescuer!!

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  7. As we all know, if the absolutely perfect home came along and you allowed your "foster" to be adopted, you'd eventually take in another. Been there. Done that. People like us will never have just one or two critters that have perfect manners. If that ever happens, a needy critter will come along that steals our heart and we start all over.

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    1. You are very astute! That's part of the reason I feel unresolved about keeping Fozzie....I think oft he number of dogs I could have rescued, fostered, and placed if each one had been more adoptable. But then again, Fozzie needed to be saved! And there's no doubt in my mind that that was the right thing to do.

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  8. Fozzie sure is lucky to have an understanding human....things happen for a reason
    Benny & Lily

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  9. Sometimes I read people's posts about their "heart dogs." They usually describe very well-behaved dogs.

    But I was very bonded to my first dog as an adult, Agatha. She was terrible. She was neurotic. She picked on her sister. She ate two of my couches. At 16 years old she climbed onto the kitchen table to get a loaf of bread off the top of the fridge.

    But I loved her. We were intensely bonded. I don't know why she was so rotten. Nor why I loved her so much. But I believe we're given the life we're meant to live.

    Whatever time you have with Fozzie is a blessing (although it sometimes feels like a curse). If he is adopted, you'll miss him and wonder where all your ambivalence went. :)

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    1. I think the more difficulty Fozzie puts me through, in some ways the more attached I become to him...almost like if I'm going to invest all this effort into training him and helping him exhibit better behaviors, I might as well reap the rewards of it!

      I know what you mean, a lot of people seem to luck out with well-behaved heart dogs. I think our family dog when I was a child was well-behaved, but its been all downhill from there :)

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  10. You are so honest. Fozzie is blessed to have found you. He is such a beautiful dog, and the way you describe how he comes to you when you are having those thoughts just tugged at my heart. I have had a few difficult pets and often thought of how life would be easier if I were "free" - but then I realize that they are a part of my life, my family, and I could not imagine them not being in my life. I love their quirky personalities and uniqueness. Yes, it can be hard, but in the end I know it is worth it. I also sometimes wonder if my pets wish they had a more normal, together human as their owner!

    K and Suka

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  11. same feelings i have about kiba. he keeps me from doing what i want to do (foster). but i am often reminded that i am the best home for him, even when i forget why :)

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  12. Kristen you clearly love Fozzie very much! Just goes to demonstrate a dog doesn't have to be the perfect well behaved dog to be loved. Team work Fozzie loves you back!
    Have a great week
    Big Nose Pokes
    The Thugletsx

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